In our next piece of lived experience creative work from the ‘In Practice’ project, poet and researcher Grace Marsh shares three poems.
Artist’s Statement:
Kafkaessence — Through the lens of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, I wanted to explore the pain of not only coexisting with unpleasant and unrelenting symptoms, but also with others’ altered perceptions of one’s body when it is visibly affected by illness and/or disability.
Iatrogenesis: A Case Study — This piece plays with the format and wording of medical letters, while experimenting with fragmentation and a sort of accountability rarely seen across the treatment and negligence of the chronically sick.
Colour Me Tender — Confronting the unpleasant and embarrassing aspects of long-term illness in art is a difficult and vulnerable process which often leaves creatives feeling drained and humiliated. Almost in protest of this, I am making the effort to face this challenge head-on across my work.
Kafkaessence
I am an unsightly, insomniac thing,
forever looking to sleep longer, forget
more. This life is nonsense and,
God, am I tired of it.
God, am I tired of my bed
and my sofa and myself, of lying
on my back, spastic legs flailing,
stuck here in stasis for Heaven
knows how long — unrescuable.
God, is this life? Am I
shell-trapped bug, no less
repulsive for my smallness?
Will my mother ever stop
cringing at the sight of me,
her poor eyes aching with
the palimpsest of all I once was
and all I am now —
God, is my ugliness redeemable
if it kills me before my time?
God, will you have them bury
me somewhere pretty, at least?
Somewhere I can sleep,
questionless, quiet.
Bug (Vol. 2), 2024
Iatrogenesis: A Case Study
Barely-adult female
presented initially with
was left untreated due to
Patient now reports a decreased
quality of life
Upon examination, there is a decreased
quantity of life
There is evidence of systemic failure
and systemic disease
findings surrounding
the order of onset remain
inconclusive
at this time
Earlier intervention could have
A higher standard of care should have
Patient remains patient
protractedly, prolongedly, perennially
Patient hopes for
a brighter future
Palliative Care have accepted
this referral
Blasted Tree and Flattened Crops, from The Pastorals of Virgil, digitised 2024
Colour Me Tender
It's an odd thing / to watch your body decay
while still living / well, it's not really living, is it
it's not really watching either / more groping blindly
at rotting legs / whose appearance is spelled out
to you using the language of hospital paint samples
and accidental, casual disgust
Necrosis Black / Purpura Purple / Staphylococcus Green
treat with Flucloxacillin Pink and Tuesday trips
to the wound care clinic / the nurses there leave
wrinkles in the dressing-borders / Telling Yellow seeps
out of them / smelling like Hell and staining white
linen trousers / another thing ruined
by a body hurtling towards death / it's odd, isn't it
how not-living and not-dying are not mutually exclusive
About the Author:
Grace Marsh is a poet and practice-led PhD researcher at the University of Leeds. Her creative work explores illness, disability, grief and sexuality, and her academic interests range from relational ethics to affective-knowledge sharing and embodiment. She can be found @gracemarshx across all social media platforms.
