Eeva Savolainen explores her lived experience of transient aphasia, finding language through poetry in this three-part poem.
I spend a lot of time googling migraine. Recently, I came across the 2021 DMJ article by Agneta H Snoer, Christel Høst, Mikala Dømgaard, and Jakob Møller Hansen titled “Frequent or Chronic Migraine Negatively Impacts Personal, Social and Professional Life”. I confess I didn’t end up reading the article itself, so preoccupied was I with the neat phrasing of the title, the fracturing of the experience into “Personal, Social and Professional” in such a delightfully clear-cut way.
I have lived with complex migraine since I was seventeen years old. It’s one of those conditions that occasionally presents with medically unexplained or uncommon symptoms. Often, doctors say something along the lines of that sounds like it’s probably migraine, but there is always that element of uncertainty, seemingly unbreachable chasm between the way they classify and the way I experience my symptoms. This is, of course, by no means a new observation about living with chronic illness; that tension between diagnostic frameworks and illness narratives has been extensively examined by scholars working in disciplines such as Narrative Medicine and Literature and Medicine studies.
When I was looking at the article title by Snoer et al., I kept thinking about what it would mean to frame my experience that way, whether it would give me a sense of agency and structure, or whether it would feel inadequate somehow. I think the answer to both questions might be a conflicting mess of yes and no, as it often is with these kinds of things. This poem is an attempt to think through that question. I’ve focused on transient aphasia here, which I recognise is an attempt of compressing illness experience into a symptom classification, but it’s also one of the most jarring things about this illness for me, if you can even pull elements of it apart in such a way.
transient aphasia (personal)
fragments and
or offcuts and
—imbrications and
My sentences fracture and splinter
soft, soft—
there should be the crisp outline of
a letter
How do I say?
slippery static
the roof of my mouth
foretelling pain
Sometimes, it lingers.
cotton or
wool or
floating in lukewarm, trembling, milky bathwater
words sink into it;
just out of focus;
pitter-patter;
apart
I can write these lines but
I don’t remember how to say.
I’m sure a neurologist could explain, and
I don’t like romanticising illness, but
poetry is the only language that makes sense.
transient aphasia (social)
I can’t find it.
I had it here, in my hand.
I mean, I was literally holding it just now!
words words words words words
asking if words words words
words describe words words
wordswordswords words it words
that thing
—fuck
that thing
I mean that thing, you know.
it’s blue and white—
That thing you brush your teeth with.
transient aphasia (professional)
I want to explain it so badly
sometimes, I don’t have words
sometimes,
words
meander
I want to explain it so badly—
I can speak English, I promise!
I don’t remember them in Finnish either!
And anyway, I get shit done!
Isn’t that just a delightful mix of internalised xenophobia and ableism with a sprinkling of girlboss captalism on top! Also, weird flex about sucking at two languages.
mostly, I make a point of not saying these things
mostly, I say speech aura
and leave it at that.
References
Snoer, A. H., Høst, C., Dømgaard, M., & Hansen, J. M. (2021). ‘Frequent or chronic migraine negatively impacts personal, social and professional life’. Danish medical journal, 68(11).
About the Author
Eeva Savolainen is a doctoral researcher working on the field of English Literature at The University of Stirling and The University of Glasgow. Her in-progress doctoral project Gothic Diagnostics in British Fiction 1830-1897 examines the gothicisation of diagnostic anxieties in the nineteenth-century medical Gothic. Her PhD research is funded by the Scottish Graduate School for Arts and Humanities. Eeva lives with complex migraine and has recently started mustering the courage to write about it. Recently, Eeva co-wrote a blog post “Navigating Disability and Chronic Illness During Your PhD: A Conversation” with Emma McCabe for the SGASH blog. You can find her on X @Eeva_Savolainen and on BlueSky @eevasavolainen.bsky.social.
About In Practice
‘In Practice’ The Polyphony’s creative practice research project, showcases multi-modal creative engagement with the lived experience of chronic illness, disability, caregiving and health from a range of creative practitioners within and beyond academic research. Founded by Aly Fixter and Grace Brimacombe-Rand, they wanted to bring their own creative practice and academic engagement with creative texts to the medical humanities digital community and foster new connections. If you are a creative person who explores their lived experience of health or the body through writing, art, photography, or any creative methods, please get in touch to share your work with The Polyphony’s audience.
